there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am spending my child support on dildos
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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