brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize