Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
