We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
