you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
