Don't you send me to vm
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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