Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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