sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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