Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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