She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
