omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
