if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
