You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize