i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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