if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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