remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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