there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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