Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
