my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize