if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
