Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
