I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
