Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
