White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
