Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
