You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
