she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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