if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
