I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
