Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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