i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
