Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
