Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I could make wine with my vomit
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
