We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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