but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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