yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
