His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
