You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
