We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
