i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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