I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
People in love make me want to vomit
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
