i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
