i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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