i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wear drunk well.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
