This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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