Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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