why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
