those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
