At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
