youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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