I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
