Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
