nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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