Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
