Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize