she woke up with a sticky ear
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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