By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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