I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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