I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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